Get a Job - the Loud Fat way
The latest IT recession
seems to have been and gone – Great, jobs for everyone. I did a count the other day and I
realised that over the last 3 years I applied for, or headhunters put me
forward for, approximately 18 jobs
§
2 didn’t reply
§
2 involved an HR assessment day -àBIN
§
I had interviews for 14 of these positions and all but two went to a
second or even third interview.
Most involved seeing at least four different sets of people.
§
In 8 cases, either they didn’t like me but more often I didn’t like
them. Often there wasn't a job or they didn't have a clear idea of what they
wanted – In nearly all these cases I wished I had got-up, thanked ‘em for
their time and gone home half way through – trouble is at that point I start
to give smart-arse answers
§
And in 4 cases, I got an offer. Notably, I liked every firm that made
an offer – but apart from the last one, it wasn’t right for me.
The problem is I do have a
pretty good CV and a good commercial track-record so I get a lot of
interviews. But because I have a
uniquely poor Interview technique (in otherwords bloody-minded), it takes a
good few attempts before I bag one – even then I can cock it up.
To let people learn from
my mistakes, I have recorded some of the details here. May be it will give heart to those
still on a job hunt or for
those, like I have been at times, desperately looking to do something
challenging or even useful.
Interview 1
I was asked to interview for the position of divisional
Head of security at a telecomm company.
The interview took place one Tuesday morning and was performed by a
very stern lady.
Interviewer
: “You seem to think this job
has a lot to do with IDS, why is that !!”!
Fat-bloke
: “Well you have had one of you're staff
asking me questions about IDS for about half an hour, the job description you handed me at
the start has it list as the primary skill and the agent told me that
expertise was essential”
* ** ** *** *** ***
Interviewer:
“What do you know
about (dring dring dring dring dring)!”
Fat-bloke:” who - ! ! !
“
Interviewer
: “Don't you even
know who you are interviewing for – Surely, you must know the name???”
Fat
bloke : “Yes - I was just deafened by the fire bell”
*
* * * *
Interviewer: She hands me a yellow post-it - on it are the
words “you're gorgeous!!”
Fat
bloke: (to prove the
mouth is faster than the brain) “You 're just a chubby-chaser, Aren’t you Luv – I’ve had trouble with your type before”
Note – The post-it was a
prop for a sexual harassment question, so this comment was particularly
unhelpful
*
* * * * *
Interview 2
FB interviewed for a
“security strategy” position at a large Investment Bank in Canary Wharf. The job seemed very much like a
computer audit job and a little junior but was still worth a look. I had a telephone interview with the
team manager, then a formal interview with the team manager and his side kick – they seemed
sensible blokes.. Then I was
invited to a further set of interviews all in the same afternoon with the
Global Head of IRM, Global Head of Technical Security and some muppet with a
charisma by-pass. It was
absolutely clear that none of them had prepared, co-ordinated with each other over who was going to do what or even looked at my cv
Interviewer
1 (Global Head of Department - first question): - “How do you sell security to a chief dealer who
doesn’t think it matters? “
Interviewer
2 (charisma-less muppet - first question): - “How do you sell security to a chief dealer who
doesn’t think it matters? “
Interviewer
3 (Global Head of Technical Security, as he walks in to join the
charisma-by-pass muppet): - “How do you sell security to a chief dealer who doesn’t think it
matters? “
Fat
Bloke (to last interation of this question) “Well the answer I gave to
that question when I was asked by MR XX on first interview was this. It seemed to go down well so I'll
give the same answer just for consistency.”
I rest my case!!!
**
** ** * ** ** ** *
For
the first interview, I waited patiently in the waiting room holding my brief
case and heavy coat – sweltering.
Then a reasonably attractive, blonde Irish dwarf runs in, vaguely
shakes my hand and heads to a meeting room with me waddling behind. I manage to get my briefcase open, my CV and various note
taking materials out, when she
jumps up, announces we are in the wrong room, tells me she’s short of time
and dives into what looks like a television studio – I stagger after her clutching my gear - dropping monte blanc pens and business cards as I go .
Interviewer
1 (Global Head of IRM Department): - “How do you sell security to a chief dealer who
doesn’t think it matters? “
Fat
Bloke: “Well,
as you can see from my CV, I have done this many times I basically have a
three pronged approach:
1. If
it is a regulated industry, and it is a requirement or likely requirement of
the FSA or SEC, I make it very clear to the dealer that he will be causing a
regulatory infranction. I will agree enthusiastically with his
comments that the regulator is an arse – but will also let him know that if
anyone gets in the way of compliance – Everyone will know his name.
2.
If it is not something required by regulation, I wil try and get the
dealer to tell me what his objections are and design a solution to meet
his needs – while focusing on the benefits and advantages to him
3.
Lastly
I focus on what will happen if
we don’t do it.
Interviewer
(global head of IRM): -“That’s rubbish – I don’t believe anyone does anything because of the
regulator – There no difference between a regulated company and a
non-regulated company – blah blah”
(N.B. Last year This
organisation has spent £32million on a SOX project)
Fat
Bloke: “Forgive
me– but it doesn’t sound like you’ve any experience actually implementing security
in a regulated or non-regulated industry – Do you know that most
non-regulated multi-national companies don’t even bother with IRM as
department“
Why
say more - I should have left after all there isn’t enough money in
the world to convince me to work
for her but I stayed. and she
left full of righteous indignation – The
last two interviews were conducted over a video conference call, with a
camera which seemed to focus on the bald bit on the top of my head - You all know I love myself but they might as well of asked me to
interview in the nude whilst doing a Step-Aerobics class).
Interviewer
1 (Global Head of technical security): -“Which is better AES or MD5?”
Fat
Bloke: “Well
They’re different things aren’t they, one is a cryptographic algorithm and
the other is a crypto-hash. I
guess with poetic license, if you read better as longer key-length, you could
claim AES was better as it is common to have key lengths of 256 (trying
desperately to demonstrate knowledge).
Nevertheless, the question is similar to “Which is better a hammer or
a screwdriver?”; you need to know for what before you can answers it. “
Interviewer
(global head of technical security): - “Yeah !! But which is better?”
Interview 3
FB interviewed for a Head of Practice position at a
Boutique Security Consultancy.
He was at the final stage, when he met the CEO. Even though I knew I had the job in
the bag, they had been playing
GoodCop-BadCop for about two hours – I was mightily pissed off.
The
CEO: “Have you got any questions?”
Fat
Bloke: “Yes, Can you give an
outline scope of the job.”
The
CEO: (holding up a blank
piece of paper) “That
is the scope of the job – you write it. “
Fat
Bloke: “So anything in security is
my baby”
The
CEO: “It is, if you want it.
“
Fat
Bloke: “So how many pen-testers
will I have to manage?”
The
CEO: “Pen-testers!!! You won’t
be in charge of pen-testers –
that’s not within the scope of the job!!”
Interview 4
FB was bored off his bonce and needed a change. He was approached for the role of
security-suprimo at a reseller well known for managed firewalls – lets refer to them as Via-Windy. FB was not keen but then he met the
VP of products, who was very impressive in an impressive office near
Oxford. FB became more
interested – And went for an interview with the Chief Operating officer (in what seemed to be a
small closet in the city )
Fat
Bloke: “The head hunter said you’d
like to see me present a business plan”. (Whilst thrusting
a copy of a lovingly bound copy into his hand)
The
COO: (Short man with Short Man
Syndrome) “I
couldn’t care less about your plan – I am sick of hearing about security. I
don’t think Via-Windy can make money in Security, Webhosting is where its at”
Fat
Bloke: “Well these days customers
expect commitment from their managed security partners – too many firms have
left their clients in the lurch.
Likewise investors are cagey – with 135 employees, 3 offices and a
small revenue of less than £20M after five years of operation, they have some
grounds.
BUT LASTLY and most
importantly, you have to question the motivations of someone who tells
interview candidates that it’s a dead-end job
Yes I agree – I don’t
think you can make money in security”
* * * * * *
Short
COO: “You may have been a
Director and potential partner at a la-de-da BIG SIX firm - And you claim to have brought
in £millions – BUT WE ALL KNOW AUDIT CLIENTS JUST HAND YOU THE MONEY!!!!”
Fat
Bloke: “That is a common
misconception, but it was never really the case. Anyway Sarbanes Oxley has
put an end to that for many international clients”
Short
COO: “Sarbanes Oxley? – What’s
that”
Fat
Bloke: “You did say you were
considering being quoted on the NASDAQ?”
Second interviewer
Northern
Woman: “I know nowt about security
– Sell me some security”
Fat
Bloke: “Would you like to buy some
security? – No?”
Aimless chit-chat followed
– during which time I got some insight about just how un-P.C. and intolerant
some people can be. And you can
guess it takes a lot to shock me
BUT I WAS – SO I LEFT
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